The sacrament of Holy Matrimony.

It is vital, within current secular culture, that all Christians understand marriage. Because marriage falls into that sticky category of human sexuality, an issue tearing most Western Churches apart at this time.

This is unfortunate because controversy could be avoided if everyone knew basic Christian teaching. People do not understand what Christian marriage is. Nor what Christian marriage is for. And such ignorance leads to confusion.

Before we can learn about Christian marriage – we must understand secular marriage. Yes the world owns marriage too and this is where confusion arises!
Because a common myth exists. That secular and Christian relationships are somehow interchangeable. Its simply not true. But it is this misconception that leads many Christians to base their relationships on the wrong standards. People wonder where they went wrong- having neglected to consider that there is a different standard set by God.

The worlds teaching.

But first we must state that some non Christian relationships are wonderful. In such cases I would argue however that this is despite the worlds teaching not because of it! The world advocates contract marriages, quick and easy divorce, the proliferation of pornography and an ambivalence towards extra marital affairs –all of which illustrate an underlying self indulgence at the heart of secular sexuality. Relationships in the world primarily exist for self gratification. The main goal, assumed as human right, is bodily release.

But the Bible teaches that self- indulgence is grave and sinful. And like all sin, selfish sexuality has dire consequences. We live in a country with unparalleled birth control, yet hundreds of thousands of abortions are carried out each year. (In 2003-180,000 in the UK). That equates to roughly 500 discarded children per day. Because it is promoted as normal practice innocent people get sucked into it. I do not want to debate abortion here- but if the issue has touched your life, do not hear condemnation but God’s wish for healing. Seek counsel from a priest you can trust.

Another consequence of selfish sexuality can be monitored in the multi billion pound sex industry. It is booming, especially with the growth in Internet technology. This causes millions of people to become enslaved in the mucky sex trade. Where a person is viewed as object for detached gratification. To be discarded once used. This is abhorrent to God who created and loves us all. People’s natural and healthy desire becomes enflamed, engorged and soon it is twisted into deep depravity. Before long control is lost and people face addiction.

It is quite clear; the world advocates brutal hedonistic indulgence. No surprise that selection of life style and partner have also become mere whim. No surprise that spiritual and moral confusion abounds. Sex has become a physical act- detached from any spiritual understanding or responsibility. It is debased to the state of being mere bodily function, nothing more special than wiping your nose.

Now let us consider what the Church, inspired by scripture, teaches.

The Christian perspective

Orthodox Christians dispute that sex is fundamental human right. For scripture teaches instead, the need for self control and self denial. (I Thess 4 3-4&7)

‘For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from immorality; that each of you know how to take a wife in holiness and honour, not in the passion of lust like the heathen who do not know God….For God has not called us for uncleanness, but in holiness.’

To facilitate healthy practice scripture offers two ways in which sexuality can be lived. Christ centred celibacy or Christ centred marriage. Both call us to do the same thing. To redirect lustful energy into sacred love of God and neighbour. Transforming unnatural passion into something sacred. However they achieve this in slightly different ways.

Christ centre celibacy

Contrary to popular opinion, Christian celibacy is not merely the avoiding of sex. It is so much more. Far from being passive it is active– a prayerful engagement with God. Not something we should ignore and hope will just happen. Celibacy is something we must engage in on our knees. Prayerfully seeking God’s wisdom, guidance and help. Notice the indulgent world loves to scorn celibacy, seeing it as redundant or dysfunctional. But the bible teaches celibacy to be deeply holy.

And celibacy is not a rare vocation. Celibacy is a state that most faithful Christians will encounter at some point. All unmarried people should strive to achieve it. For some it will temporary. For others a state following loss of spouse. For others a permanent state. And note that it is open to Christians of all orientations.

But whenever it happens, its purpose needs understanding. Celibacy is not about God depriving people. It is about his wish to protect them. God loves purity but hates frigidity. Celibacy is not about denying sexuality but accepting it and rejoicing in it. Celibacy is about prayerfully transforming animal desire into heavenly holiness. A striving for purity of body, mind and soul. Of possessing an attractive and hearty sexual identity. One that is offered to God rather than demonstrated physically.

Celibacy is therefore an honest engagement with self control that can only be achieved with God’s help in prayer. No wonder it perplexes the world! For it is only understood by prayerfully mature Christians. Christians who understand human failure and can deal with it. For if we do slip up. If we do sin then God does not want us to destroy ourselves with guilt. We can get far too hung up with sexual sin. If we sin then we should merely repent, offer it to God and sincerely try again, accepting God’s total forgiveness and understanding. It is just as sinful to wallow in self indulgent guilt as to take love too far with a friend.

Christ centred marriage

I explain celibacy because Christ Centred Marriage is no different. It also seeks to transform lust into holiness. It is every bit as demanding as celibacy. Never be fooled into thinking it’s the easy or permissive option- nonsense! Christian marriage is tough for we are called to sacrifice self in total service of spouse.

That is why sexual union in marriage is not primarily about gratification. It is about giving wholly of ourselves to the other. It is about the creation of children who will themselves require self-sacrifice and service. Marriage offers them a safe haven for upbringing. Having understood this fact we should equally note that we must never view sex in marriage as purely functional. Far from it- we are called to thoroughly enjoy sexual intimacy as a sacramental gift of marriage that strengthens the love between husband and wife.

This giving of self, expressed through intercourse, is pleasing to God. But if we do it without loving our spouse, if only using their body for release, if thinking of another, we are back in the realm of sin. Marriage is a forum for healthy sex but it is no guarantee! That is why marriage is just as challenging as celibacy.

Both are possible, both are difficult. Both require God’s aid. Can you see how different such teaching is to that of the world? This is a million miles from a mere arrangement between partners. This is a Holy Sacrament. A precious gift of God in creation. A gift that should not be abused.

I wonder if all of us who are married need to prayerfully reconsider our attitude to our partner? Have we slipped from God’s high standards? Pray that you might repent and lavish upon them the love they so richly deserve. They are God’s gift to you. Your love for them is pleasing in his eyes.

If marriage is sacramental it has implications. Not least it throws up questions regarding sexual union outside of marriage and the issue of whether a person can remarry after divorce.

Consideration concerning sex outside marriage.

Just as a priest needs Gods’ authority through ordination, couples need God’s authority in marriage. For a wedding is the licence from God to be sexually active. A covenant of responsibility. The moment when God formally enters the relationship. Jesus said:

‘From the beginning, God made them male and female. For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh…therefore what God has joined together, let no-one separate’ (Mark 10 4-9)

Sex outside marriage lacks this joining of God. It would be similar to saying the Eucharist without being ordained. ‘At best harmless play acting at worst dangerous blasphemy!’ You are doing something you have not been licensed for or called by God to do. So even if the fruits seem good, non marital sex can never be spiritually validated. It is without God’s blessing. That is not to say its necessarily terrible. It is however to declare that it falls short of the ideal. And ‘to fall short is the definition of sin. And as one joker put it- the real reason sex before marriage is discouraged is because it makes you late for the ceremony!

Remarriage

Forgiveness is a vital part of Christian faith. We need ways to honestly turn to God and find opportunity to try again. However this should never be given cheaply or without proper understanding. There must be definite closure on the previous relationship- and even then the question of whether we can undo a marriage is tricky! The new partner must be dedicated to true Christian marriage as we have explained. There is no way that that person can have been instrumental in the breakdown of the first union. No way that consideration of children can come second. No way that scandal can be caused. So only when such criteria have been met should a couple proceed with prayer and priestly counsel. Only then might we consider a service of thanksgiving after civil ceremony.

And let it be said that blessing a union rather than marrying a couple is utter gobbledegook. Sorry Charles and Camilla but it makes no sense. How can we bless what cannot be authorised by God. That would be like praising the person play-acting as priest. Logically a Church can only marry a couple or not. There can be no half way house. What on earth is the difference between marrying a and blessing a relationship? Nothing- it is a fudged attempt to make sense of a messy situation! And once we start advocated that we can bless those relationships that are less than perfect we end up in a very sticky place. What of same sex partnerships? Or polygamy? Or three way relationship between bi-sexuals? No the Church must only sanctify relationships that Jesus himself endorsed. Matrimony between man and wife. The rolls Royce of unions.

Some suggest we should not re-marry at all. It is a difficult question. What would you suggest?

I would offer thanksgiving after secular remarriage. But only to those professing a clear desire to follow the tough ‘Christian’ model of Marriage from hereon in.